As a child growing up, my father and I never developed a deep bonding relationship. My dad was focused on providing for his family because that is what was taught to him. That has also carried down to me. Having a deep, meaningful relationship just wasn’t ever developed, simply because I don’t think he knew how.

In order to have a bond with your partner or children, it’s going to take work, time, and effort. The bond won’t happen overnight, but eventually, it will develop. How strong that bond becomes depends on how much effort and time you give it.

A little bit of background about me and my boys:
When I married my wife, she already had two boys aged 9 and 11. Their biological father was very verbally abusive to their mother, obviously not a great example of a man. When I married, I not only took an oath to my wife but also an oath to the boys. They are a part of her. Since the boys had not had a man in the house for five years, their only example of a man was verbal abuse towards a woman. That is exactly what they were doing. The backtalk and willful disobedience were rampant in the house. The disrespect was horrible.

It was a few days before we were married when we sat down for our first of many discussions. I told them I am a fun, easy-going guy, but there were three things that would no longer be tolerated: disobedience, disrespect towards their mother, and backtalk. The line was drawn, and it was set in place. As all children do, they must challenge that line, and challenge it they did. They quickly learned my response when they stepped on or overstepped that line.

It all came to a boil one evening, which was the turning point when our bonding started to take place.
That particular evening, I will not forget. The oldest boy and I were nose to nose, discussing who exactly was in charge. The oldest had threatened me by saying he was going to hit me, with his fists already in a fighting position. He had put me in a position I did not want to be in. With his little brother watching every move and hearing every word, I knew this was the moment where that line would be forever etched in the floor or erased forever. I was the one who had to decide.

It was just a little over a year since we had been married, and I thought the boys were making big improvements, moving away from the verbal abuse that they had been taught so well. It wasn’t but a split second that I knew I had to stand for the challenge, or all the work over the year would have been lost and gone for good.

I stood my ground and told him, “When you hit me, you better make sure I don’t ever get up, because you will wish you never hit me.” Right or wrong, I don’t know; was he going to go through with it? I didn’t know that either. What I did know was that we were at a breaking point. Anyway it went, it was going to change how this family functioned. He backed down. No punches were thrown. Pride was hurt, but respect was brought up to another level. Not only for the oldest but also for the youngest. That line that was drawn on the floor at the very beginning was now etched in the floor forever. I was never challenged again, and amazingly, relationships with both boys began to really start growing. The bonding began, with both of them together, and many times one-on-one bonding took place.

You don’t need to have an explosive event to start bonding, thankfully, but you do need to invest a lot of time and a lot of effort, especially on those days when you’re tired and just want to rest.

Getting to know your sons, understanding their interests, and sharing in those interests, even though they may not be your thing, is crucial. Most of all, it’s the gift of time with them.

I look back at my own father. We had completely different interests, but what I wanted most was his time—just him and me. I didn’t care what we did; I just wanted to be with him. That was something he didn’t give much of to me. On the rare occasions that he did, time was very short.

God wants to build a bond with us too. Without a doubt, it’s going to take work. It’s not going to happen overnight. It’s going to take studying His word; we need to be talking to Him through prayers. But what God gives back is more than you could ever imagine.

I am grateful for what my dad taught me. I wish he could have understood that time was the most precious gift he could have ever given me. To be bitter and ungrateful about it won’t change it, and it would be telling God He made a mistake.

There is a reason for everything that happens. Having faith and trusting God cleans away any bitterness or ungratefulness.
Ecclesiastes 3:1 (KJV): “To everything, there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven.”