I was reading on one of the social media sites, and I came across someone asking why they don’t have any friends at church.

Right away, many thoughts came rushing through my mind as I pondered this question for a few minutes.

I am going to offer a take on a few reasons why you may not have friends at church and then offer simple solutions.

Church is a place where like-minded Christians can go and worship our King together. Most churches have a time when they worship in song. This helps put your mind in worship mode and ready to hear instructions from God’s Word. After praising God in worship, you then hear preaching or instructions from the Word of God.

Most churches that I have been to—it’s kind of sad, but it’s true in many churches—many small groups are formed. I call them cliques, simply because these groups of friends are so wrapped up in their clique that they don’t see, or have a hard time letting, new people get involved with them or anyone in their little group.

How do you make friends in church, then, if these cliques form and they don’t see or notice new people around them?

The other question is: Why don’t I have friends at church?

Let’s start off with why you don’t have friends at church.

If you’re new to the church, whether you’re a new believer, just moved to the area, or looking for a different church to be involved in, you have to remember that it is just going to take a little time.

TIME: Friendship doesn’t happen in just one visit (most of the time). Just like normal friendships, they happen over time as you spend time chatting with another person. You find common interests that pull you closer to each other, and a friendship bond begins. So time is a factor in making friends at church.

SMALL GROUPS: If you are resistant to getting involved in a small group, you’re missing out on making friends. I realize many churches don’t have small group meetings, but many of them do. This is a great way to get to know people in the church. These small groups often meet outside of the church on a weeknight, and many on Sunday evenings if your church does not have a Sunday evening service. It can be a little nerve-racking the first couple of times, but the more you go, you will quickly find other people with some of your interests, and soon friendships will develop.

RUSHING HOME: If you are a person who takes off for the door right after the morning service, you’re missing a chance to interact with other believers. I have seen new people come into church wanting to know who they are. I’m looking to chat with them after the service, but as soon as the service is over, they are out and gone. If you are looking to make friends, you need to stick around a little bit after the service to let the regular members have a chance to come up to you and find out who you are. Remember, they have others they are talking to as well, so it might take a few minutes for them to get over to you. I found that if you stand quietly by yourself just off the exit door or just by the entrance to the main worship floor, someone will stop and introduce themselves to you. I have done this many times at different churches; it rarely fails.

YOU’RE TOO CLOSED OFF OR OFFER UP TOO MUCH: This is two sides of an extreme. If you are too closed off, you’re not willing to share some personal (not too personal) stuff about yourself when someone asks. Be willing to share a few things about yourself: hobbies, interests, work—you get the picture. Little things about you that might interest a potential friend. On the other side, being too eager and sharing way too much can be a reason why you’re not making friends. When you share too much, sometimes it can be overwhelming for people, and they back away. They have problems of their own, too. Hearing all about yours often makes others turn around and run away. It is a balancing act: give enough information about yourself, but not too much. You just have to read the situation as you’re talking. Stay with general topics for right now, and definitely avoid anything intimate.

HOW DO I MAKE FRIENDS AT CHURCH?

Be open and truthful. Don’t try to force a friendship. Remember, friendship takes time to develop. Just be willing to talk about where you work and some things you like to do in your free time. If a person is interested enough in you, they will speak with you again, or they might even ask you to go out for a Sunday meal.

DON’T BE CLOSED OFF:

Being closed off simply means being unwilling to share a little about yourself. It’s very hard to get to know someone if they are not sharing things about themselves. It’s hard to know what interests them, which helps find common ground to talk about.

DON’T RUSH OUT THE DOOR AFTER THE SERVICE:

How can you make friends when you are out the door as soon as the service is over? You are not allowing anyone to get to know you. If they only see you sitting in the service but you’re gone right after, you are losing out on a chance to develop a friendship. There are people watchers wherever you go. There are people like me who are looking for new faces, and I try to seek them out and at least introduce myself to them. But if you are bolting right after the service, you’re losing out on what could be a great friendship. You don’t know what can develop if you’re not there to let it happen.

These are just a few things that I have seen over the years of being in churches. I have been to many different churches of different denominations over the past 45 years.

Making friends is not easy; it is a lot of work. But you can’t make friends if you are not putting forth an effort and if you’re not giving it any time.

A good friendship is all about time and sharing. A friendship won’t happen overnight or after just a few visits to the same church. You can’t make friends if you are unwilling to share some small details about yourself, either.

If your desire is to have friends at church, you need to do the work and stay available. Be willing to share small bits of what interests you, and before you know it, you will have friends.

May God’s peace always be with you.